‘Perimenopause took a toll on my mental health – painting helped me through’

‘Looking back, I’ve generally always been a very laidback, cheerful and happy person, with a real joy for life. That’s perhaps why, when everything suddenly changed in my late forties, it hit me so hard. I felt like I’d lost myself.

I say “suddenly” but this shift didn’t happen overnight; it was more a series of things that started to chip, chip and chip away. First, came the insomnia. I’d hardly sleep a wink at night, save for an hour or two here and there, and felt like I was moving through treacle during the day. It was an absolute nightmare. As a school art teacher, I found myself tapping into autopilot mode to do my job and just going through the motions.

From there, a crushing anxiety kicked in like I’d never experienced before. It was almost like the joy had been sucked out of me; I’d register something funny on television but wouldn’t actually laugh. My emotions seemed to flatline, and then the next moment, I’d start crying while driving for seemingly no reason.

Brain fog began stealing my words mid-sentence, too; I could feel the cogs turning, but everything seemed fuzzier and slower. As somebody who’d been a pretty relaxed teenager, I became almost a caricature of one at times – getting cross or snappy with my family over little things, like where someone had put a coffee cup. Afterwards, I couldn’t believe I’d reacted like that; it just wasn’t me.

As the years went by, I tried different things – including meditation and breathing techniques – and saw a few doctors. I remember crying with sheer exhaustion on one visit, before they suggested a glass of warm milk before bed might do the trick. Safe to say, I was way beyond that!

Nobody mentioned my hormones or the possibility of perimenopause, and I didn’t think of that, either. My basic knowledge of menopause mostly revolved around hot flushes, which only arrived (along with a side of night sweats) a little later.

Then, I watched Davina McCall’s menopause documentary, and all these emotional and mental symptoms started to make sense. Hearing women share their stories on the programme, I thought: “yes, that’s exactly how I feel!” There was a reason for what I’d been going through and, most importantly, there was hopefully something I could do about it.

I spoke to a different doctor and decided to give HRT a go. On the day I started taking it, I slept through the night for the first time in seven years. It was like breathing the deepest sigh of relief, as I finally felt able to help myself. I walked (there’s nothing like fresh air to help you us process some of those pent-up emotions!) and spent time with good friends and family, people I could totally be myself with. And from there, things began to fall into place.

Art has always been part of my life and a way of looking after my mental wellbeing and having a creative outlet became increasingly important for me in midlife, helping my mind to stop spinning and stay in the present. It’s about finding an activity that brings you some peace, joy and calm – whether that’s art, writing, singing, music, crafts – anything that’s just for you.

And so, as  I emerged from those tough years, I decided to paint a series of menopause self-portraits to capture what I felt during that time. There’s Heat, Heat Rising, Seven Years No Sleep, Brain Fog, Lost, Rage and Down. It wasn’t easy – sometimes it’s hard to admit to yourself that you’ve been feeling like this, let alone to other people – but I wanted to be honest, because I knew others might be feeling the same.

One Friday, at a public exhibition with a group of artists, a woman stopped in front of my menopause paintings and started to cry. I shed a few tears, too, and we hugged, as she shared how much she could see her own experience in them. I created the series as a sort of therapy for me, but I didn’t expect it to open up so many wonderful conversations and stories with other women. We’ve all helped each other in a way.

These days, I’m postmenopausal and continuing with HRT – brain fog is still a struggle, but it’s slowly lifting and I feel like I’m almost there. The magic is in the small things – singing and laughing with my daughter in the car; being excited to go out, see friends and have a good time; those dancing-in-the-kitchen moments with family, just feeling happy and relaxed again.

I’m really looking forward to whatever the future brings; it’s like having a new lease of life! I have more energy and can see so many positives ahead. Finally, I’ve got myself back.’

To find out more about Sara’s art and menopause series, head to saragregory.co.uk and @saragregoryart  on Instagram

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